I AM HOPEFUL

What title can I give this post? I am feeling lost and discouraged but after typing this all out...I chose HOPEFUL. Because that is what I am. I am hopeful for what the Lord will do through this. I am hopeful for the tools we need to help our daughter thrive! The LORD gives me hope <3

Our journey starts almost 3 years ago. Well maybe closer to 4. Eliyanah has kept me on my toes since I was pregnant with her. The first 15 weeks were pretty normal with tons of morning sickness and mood swings but then it just got hard & more emotional. Nothing was seriously wrong but everything felt wrecked. Everything was scary. What if this? What if that? Not being able to do the things I wanted to. Not being able to pick up my just turning 2 son because of adjusted bedrest. I was miserable. I wanted to get in the pool. I wanted a baby moon like I saw so many friends doing on Facebook all the time. I wanted to take a bath. I wanted to vacuum and keep on going with my normal life. I wanted to pick up my son to put him in the car so we could go do all the things we had planned for the summer! Things got HARD. I am not a sit still type person and I am very much a do it myself type. This season was wrecking me. I had panic attacks multiple times a day. I cried a couple times a day. I am very thankful that Noah was easy going but remember, he was just turning two so we still had our challenges.

Eliyanah was born in September 2016, thankfully delivery went smooth and I gave birth naturally. No issues, recovery went well but emotionally I wasn't well. I had waited so long to do things again and to meet my baby girl. But with a panic and anxiety disorder, I am so in tune with things that are going on within my body. Always afraid of what could happen. I got through those first 6 weeks. But I didn't want to not hold my baby girl. I wanted her as close to me as possible. I had a difficult time leaving her with others. We had been through so much together in pregnancy and she was finally on the outside and I could hold her. Sad thing was that after those early newborn days, she started getting extremely fussy. She has horrid gas. Nothing seemed to help. She would cry all the time. She was/is very strong willed. She refused tummy time and started sitting up on the floor to play in January and February with only a boppy pillow for assistance. She was and is a determined little girl but she also had many demands. She wanted to be held but not snuggled. She wanted to nurse but not be held. She refused to take a bottle. It was so confusing and one minute she wanted one thing and the next the opposite. I felt so distant from her because she wasn't snuggling like Noah had. We weren't bonding the same way. We ended up later finding out she was lactose intolerant but even then her tummy wasn't perfect after taking all milk from my diet. For being breastfed, she had the nastiest smelling poop and gas ever. (TMI I know) She was uncomfortable and we were trying to keep her happy. She would sit in the swing with the lights, music and movement, but unless she fell asleep she didn't stay in there long. The crying would go on so I would hold her. But remember, she didn't want to be snuggled? and she only wanted to be held on my hip so she could see everything. Baby wraps did nothing for her as she hated them yet she had to be swaddled for naps and bedtime. Talk about me feeling like I could do nothing right for her....

My arms got strong because I would hold her most of the day on my hip when doing anything because I just couldn't take the crying and screaming all day. It was making me cry! So I did whatever kept her from crying.

Looking back, I realized how my mental state suffered and our bond was not made because I was feeling defeated, trying to busy myself with other things, taking care of Noah and also trying to make Ellie feel happy. Now it has been almost 3 years and she has continually gotten worse with her anger and things that throw her off into a horrible mood. She speaks hatefully, throws things, bites, hits, kicks and screams. Thankfully, we do get a lot of love from her too these days! She loves to read books, play babies, build towers, sing songs, dress up, wear lip gloss, paint nails, draw circles, quick snuggles and gives big hugs & kisses. So she has grown so much in that area! I am so thankful for that! She has grown so much in this area that I got a toddler wrap to carry her in so she can feel comforted by being close. She asks for it.  She loves it but can't sit still so she is up and down. We don't use it every day but she knows it is an option if she needs that tight, quick snuggle to relax. 

We have talked with many family & friends and she will soon be getting evaluated specifically for a sensory processing disorder. I am hoping to learn so much about how to be an amazing parent specifically for HER. I have tried so many things, cried so many tears and still feel defeated each day. Discipline is hard when nothing works. I am hoping to find the answers within these appointments so I can be the Mom she needs me to be. 

I do cry. This is so different than what I dreamed having a daughter would be like. Things we do together when she isn't angry are so fun and perfectly what I hoped having a little girl would be like, but the anger and rage that happens half of the day is not what I expected to deal with. She can't poop or pee without a meltdown :( Doesn't that just break your heart? It breaks mine so I just talk quietly and encourage her. I tell her how proud I am of her!

After looking into a Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), I have taken lots of tips from the hours of reading of how to respond to her anger. Most of the time, it has helped but today is one of those days that nothing has worked well. I have a lot of sensory toys and activities for her that we have been using/doing. I am hoping that the extra things I received from Amazon today will help her more!

Do you have any suggestions of activities for SPD? 

Or any suggestions on how to discipline a child with SPD? 

I have been trying time out and taking things away. But it doesn't seem to make a dent but I still am doing it hoping that eventually she will understand. 

Little Newborn Eliyanah <3

Eliyanah is my JOY even through the hard days we have. I love her so much and just hurt for her because she is so upset a lot of the time. I still go in and look at her beautiful face at night when she is asleep and snuggle up to her because I can when she is asleep. I just lay there and look at her face and think about much she has grown and how I love her so much. 

I can't wait to learn more about how to show her love the way she needs it and how to teach her things in her own way. We are both learning so much through this season of life <3